Hey.
Hey, babe.
Dennis, what are you doing?
I'm gonna mount a TV on your wall.
I just can't find a stud.
So you made nine holes in my wall?
No, those are for the shelves, dummy.
The TV is gonna go right here.
It's gonna be awesome. It's gonna be like a hospital.
Dennis, I don't want a hospital TV.
I don't want a shelf.
Whose horse is that?
That's my cousin Teddy's Great Dane.
I told him I'd watch him for a couple weeks
'cause Teddy broke his ankle running from some black guys
who pulled a gun on him.
Why is it important to tell me that the muggers were black?
They weren't muggers. They were cops.
So why don't you just say he was running from some cops?
I don't know, I mean, you're a racist
for assuming that they weren't cops.
You know I'm allergic to dogs.
Ah, allergies are all mental.
Hey.
Who the hell is this? That's Teddy.
Get out. I want you out of here.
You can't kick me out. I love you.
No, no, get your stuff and get out.
I'm not doing this anymore.
You can't kick me out. I got squatter's rights.
Which is it... you love me or you got squatter's rights?
I don't see why they're mutually exclusive.
Aargh!
Thank you.
Oh, Liz, finally.
It's about time you broke up with him.
He's a complete loser.
Oh, Jenna, don't say that.
You know, he had some good moments.
Hey, I got doughnuts.
What's up, brown eyes? I made chili.
Hey.
You want to...
want to order cheesesteaks?
I guess they were mostly food-related.
But he was always nice to me.
Oh, that's okay. Cry it out, sister.
No, I'm not crying. I'm allergic to the stupid Great Dane.
That thing licked my eyes this morning.
Wait a minute...
Dennis and the dog are still in your apartment?
I gave him a week to find a new place.
Ugh.
No, but we're completely broken up.
If that's true, then I'm taking you out to celebrate...
a girls' night.
We'll meet some new people.
Oh, you mean like at a discotheque?
Oh, boy.
So, when can we see each other again?
What are you wearing?
Black dress?
Black stockings?
A funeral? Oh, I'm sorry.
Okay.
Let me call you back in an hour. Yeah, bye.
Why are you crying... did the Liberty lose again?
I'm not crying. I have allergies.
Allergies are all in the mind, Lemon.
I used to have a wicked peanut allergy,
and now... witness.
As I'm sure you surmised from that call,
I'm seeing a woman of late.
Yeah, who's the lucky lady?
Let's just say she's a high-ranking
African-American member of the Bush administration.
Are you dating Condoleezza Rice?
I'm not at liberty to say.
The point is, my lady friend is an egghead,
much like yourself, not my usual thing,
and I need your advice.
We're having a lot of trouble connecting lately.
She does a lot of traveling.
Yeah, and it must be hard for her to get cellphone reception
when she's so far up the president's butt.
I'm choosing to ignore that remark on the basis
that you are a godless, glassy-eyed Clintonista.
Now, I wanted to get my friend something personal.
Do you think that she would prefer this handsome attaché,
which says, "You are a woman of substance and I respect you,"
or this collection of ladies' unmentionables
with snaps and openings all over the place?
Attaché!
I see. Okay.
Jenna to the floor, please.
Yeah, it's pretty good.
But I think the boobs should swing more.
Yeah, then I could go,
"Rodney, don't make me come over there
and beat you in the head with one of my boom-booms!"
Yeah.
This is just appalling.
What's your problem?
I just think it's demeaning for a black man to do drag.
What? Everybody loves a dude in a dress.
I mean, those were the best "Bugs Bunnies."
Frank, there are large pockets of African-American culture
that Caucasians know nothing about.
The stigma of drag is one of them.
Whatever. I played a woman before.
"Honky Grandma Be Trippin"' made $96 million.
All I'm saying is,
is drag is a way for Caucasians to emasculate you
and make you seem nonthreatening.
We never would have stopped so low on "Black Frasier."
"Black Frasier"?
Niles, this Beaujolais is impeccable.
It's both fruity and precocious.
That's not the only thing around here
that's fruity and precocious.
I never heard of "Black Frasier."
What? It was huge on BET.
Every Thursday night at about 9:00 or 9: 15.
Think about it, Tracy.
All the best African-American comedians refuse to do drag.
Chris Rock doesn't do it. Dr. Cosby doesn't do it.
Bernie Mac doesn't do it, 'cause he'd be ugly as hell.
Forget it. I'm not wearing this dress.
It's prejudicial.
Thanks a lot. Now what am I supposed to do with this sketch?
I'll do it.
I mean, my parents raised me as a girl for, like, 10 years.
What? I told you guys that.
That's our show for tonight! See you next week!
Good night!
Okay. No, that's okay. Sorry.
All right, I'll see you later.
Monday night is girls' night.
I'm taking you out... 9:30.
I know this great karaoke place
where you can get a pedicure while you sing.
Oh, Jenna, I'll go anywhere, just, please, no more karaoke.
Not after our last duet.
ß When I'm right here ß
ß You need to be here ß
ß Not here ß
ß Here is embarrassing ß Okay, fine.
I didn't say that. I said you're a beautiful woman.
It wouldn't hurt to try something different
with your hair.
Check this out... I think Jack is dating Condi Rice.
Oh, God! That's huge!
Oh, no, no. I never said "braces." I said "bonding."
Dude, that Shemanda character
was the best thing of the night.
What was her line? Say it again.
"Rodney!
"Don't make me come over there
and beat on you with my boom-booms!"
You burned me!
There's nothing wrong
with a black comedian wearing a dress!
Eddie does it. Martin does it.
Jamie Foxx, Flip Wilson.
Whoopi Goldberg does it every day!
You stole a franchise from me!
Shemanda could have been a movie!
Okay, you need to write something great for him
before this becomes a problem.
I wouldn't even know where to begin writing
for a guy like that.
Then write something with him.
Our comedy got to do more than make people laugh.
Got to make people think.
I want to hold a mirror up to society
and then win world record for "biggest mirror."
He's totally right.
Got to be raw!
Uh-huh. I got a concept for a sketch I think you might like.
You and Jenna play Sleestaks from "Land of the Lost,"
and you're trying to get a small-business loan.
What?
Because you want to open up a pancake house
called "Slee's Stacks."
Are you black?!
Jack? Is everything all right?
I think I figured out why things have been so rocky
with my lady friend.
I'm on the street. I can barely hear you.
She's cheating on me, Liz.
I think there's another man in the picture.
Are you sure, Jack?
'Cause she kind of seems like an honest lady.
I know what I know.
Next time I see Putin, I'm gonna kick his teeth in.
Oh! Here it is!
"lzzle... a suffix that can be used
to take the place of anything."
Well, now you're just being patronizzle.
You know who would love this argument?
My racist grandfather.
I thought writing with you
was gonna be like two brothers writing together.
We're not even speaking the same language!
That's right. I'm speaking English.
Just listen. Just listen.
Come on. Who raised you?
Standing there with your pants that fit,
using a wallet, drinking Starbucks.
And what is this?
That's my Harvard a capella group, The Crocodillos.
I had a solo in "Like a Prayer."
Come on. Where's your heritage?
My brother, my homeboy, my n...
Hey, sorry I'm late.
Well, thank God you're here. This place is creeping me out.
I don't think I can do this.
You're gonna be great.
They're cute.
Do you think they're Wall Street guys?
Yeah, I think they're from the firm
of Date Rape, Cokington, Cheeseball, and Jag.
You've got to give this a chance.
Excuse me. Is this seat taken?
Really, dude? I got to move my coat?
There's like four empty seats down there.
Can't you just be cool?
That guy wanted to buy you a drink.
Really? I already have a drink.
Do you think he'd buy me mozzarella sticks?
What is the matter with you?
I don't know. I'm just nervous and rusty.
Well, just relax and be yourself.
Can I have a martini, please?
Hi.
Oh, he knows where Bin Laden is, come on!
The Carlyle Group, the Unocal pipeline,
the assassination of Olaf Palme?
Come on. The proof is in the pudding.
Ooh, these are good.
Really, you think she looks like Jessica Simpson?
You could put a long blond wig on a ferret
and it would look like Jessica Simpson.
And by the way, Jessica Simpson would think
that you are old and gross, so good luck with that.
I really didn't think I was gonna meet anybody tonight,
but you and I have so much in common.
Also, you have really pretty eyes.
Oh, hi.
ß I learned the truth at 17 ß
ß That love was meant for beauty queens ß
Hey, you're bumming us out!
ß And high-school girls with clear-skinned smiles ß
ß Who married young and then retired ß
ß Whoa ß
I thought bars were open till 4:00.
Nope, 11:30. Let's get you to bed.
Uh, I see you've all met Norman from Human Resources.
He tells me that Toofer
has filed a harassment complaint against Tracy.
What?
Now I have to attend sensitivity training.
What seems to be the problem, Toofer?
Mr. Jordan called me...
the N-word.
And?
And I was really offended.
Because...
Because it's a racial slur.
Brothers talk to other brothers like that.
I was being friendly.
Yes, Toofer.
You see, in the last decade or so,
the African-American community has reappropriated that word
as a way of depriving it of its meaning.
Just don't try to tell my girlfriend that.
Yeah, Toofer,
I really don't think Tracy was trying to offend you.
It's okay for us to use it with each other.
You could call me that. It's a term of endearment.
Look, I'm not trying to cause any trouble,
and I confess, I appreciate what you do for the show.
I want you to be my brother, my homeboy, my n...
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
This meeting is adjourned. Not cool, homey!
You might as well spray me down with a fire hose.
It just sounds so hateful coming from you! Ugh!
I wish to file a complaint.
Hey.
Dennis, what are you doing here?
Hey, I'm moving into my new apartment, so...
I got one last thing to say to you,
and then I'll be out of your life forever.
"Dear Liz Lemon,
"While other women have bigger boobs than you,
"no woman has as big a heart.
"When I saw you getting ready to go out
"and get nailed by a bunch of guys last night,
"I knew for sure it was over between us.
"And for the first time since the '86 World Series, I cried.
"I cried like a big, dumb homo.
"And if it was up to me, we would be together forever.
"But there's a new thing called 'women's liberation,'
"which gives you women the right to choose,
"and you have chosen to abort me,
"and that I must live with.
"So tonight when you arrive home, I'll be gone.
I officially renounce my squatter's rights."
I'll always love you.
Goodbye and good luck.
I'll never forget you.
And that is why we are no longer a couple.
The guy just came in here and bared his soul to you.
What are you, made of stone?
Am I crazy? The guy's a disaster, right?
I-I don't know.
I mean, he's a little bridge and tunnel,
but you did say you had some good times.
No, no, no, no. He had his bad moments, too.
Hey. Threesome?
How about it, huh?
I'm just saying, after last night,
maybe he's not such a bad choice.
You are suggesting that I get back with Dennis.
Maybe. Look, you're a writer.
Write a list of Dennis' pros and cons.
It's a very helpful exercise.
It's how I decided to get a scooter instead of a bike.
Ah.
Well, you have to admit there's always time for Tony Blair,
there's always time for Bashar al-Assad,
but there's never any time for Jack Donaghy,
and that's a problem.
Go ahead. Take the call, yeah.
Hey, Dennis. You drop by to say hi to Liz?
You mean the ex-future Mrs. Dennis?
She dumped me again.
I'm sorry to hear that.
You try to make some people happy,
but it doesn't work all the time.
Tell me about it.
What, you?
I really can't go into details,
but when my woman and I are together,
it's mind-blowing.
It's...
It's filthy, really.
So, what's the problem? She works all the time.
She's always traveling. It's a headache. Who needs that?
That's why I'm always dating 20-year-olds.
Let me tell you about 20-year-olds, my friend.
Half of them are 16.
You want some advice?
It's hard for alpha males
like you and me to put our egos aside,
but if she's worth it, you make it work.
It's like my cousin Teddy's dog.
Sometimes, he just doesn't want to lick my feet.
So what I do is I hide my feet from him
for a couple of days,
and then when he sees them, he goes bananas.
So, Jack, in this example,
Liz is the dog,
and I am my feet.
You see what I'm saying?
Yes, I believe I do.
Each of you is here
because you were insensitive to a coworker, okay?
You might have used one of the words I call the "uh-oh" words,
such as "slut," "ho,"
uh, "bitch," "bee-yatch,"
"queerburger,"
"fag-o-tron," "gay bird,"
the word for "black" in any language...
nero, noir, schwartz,
negro, kanjan sec.
Hmm?
So, what else?
What else can we not call each other?
How about "sweaty greaseball"?
Ooh, very good. That's highly offensive.
"Person of color."
I guess if you say it like that.
"Sneaky Taiwanese trannie who stole my watch."
Yes!
These words are terrible,
but today, we are going to learn
to communicate in a different way.
And I would like to start...
with Tracy and James.
Guys?
Now, I understand that the two of you
got into a big, old conflict yesterday.
And... let's work this out.
Tracy, what did you really want to say to James?
I'm trying to tell him he's my brother.
We're the only two blacks on the show.
We have to figure out a way to work together.
Like Professor Martin Luther King said,
"I have a feeling."
It is Dr. Martin Luther King,
and he did not "have a feeling."
He had a dream.
Ah, dude wears khakis. Uncle Tom, party of one!
You can't call someone that if you've never read the book!
What book?
You know what I think?
I think you're ashamed of being black,
and you're an embarrassment to your community.
I embarrass you?
You embarrass me, and do you know why?
Because there are racist people in this world,
and when they see you act like a fool,
they assume we're all fools.
That's it!
This is it!
This is the sketch we should do!
What? Right here, you and me!
This is deep stuff going on! We got to write this!
You're right.
Dr. Snew, thank you very much!
Okay, okay, okay!
That's really against the rules.
Dennis?
Oh, my God.
"I know this might be emotional for you,
so there's a meatball sub in the fridge."
"Pro.
Fixed TV."
Huh.
Hello, I'm Star Jones,
and welcome to "The Star Jones Gastric-Bypass Cooking Show."
Mmm!
Liz, what happened
to the race-relations sketch Tracy and I wrote?
We only had time for one more bit,
and Tracy picked this one.
Now, you know I can only eat small portions!
Oh, my goodness.
Dessert!
Okay, he's right. This is funnier.
Guess where I was last night.
Mark Foley's pajama party?
No. Kandahar.
Afghanistan? Yeah.
Took the corporate jet to hook up
with my neocon inamorata.
Well, I'm glad things are working out for you
and your mystery lady.
Actually, they're not. I broke up with her.
Really? What happened?
Well, I finally realized that we're not compatible.
I mean, I'm all for fantasy role-play, but Abu Ghraib?
Well, you know, relationships end.
People move on.
But I'm glad at least I gave it a shot.
Thank Dennis for making me do that.
Dennis? Yep.
You know, I might have been too hard on that guy.
He's okay.
Hmm.
"Jack likes Dennis."
"Jack... likes...
Dennis."
At Snapple, when young fruit ripen, they...
Hey.
I just, um...
I just wanted to drop off your Christmas present.
I had already bought it for you, so...
It's a fancy briefcase
because you're classy and important, like a dude.
Thank you, Dennis.
I also got you some antihistamine
in case the next guy you're with has a dog
and you want to stay with him.
Anyway...
Do you want to eat?
What?
I got all this Chinese food.
I'm never gonna finish it by myself.
For real?
Should I grab a plate?
Yeah. Get me a diet soda.
Okay.
Good evening, and welcome to "Dateline."
Chris Hansen has our latest investigation.
Hello?
Good evening, sir.
I'm Chris Hansen with "Dateline NBC."
Can I ask you what you're doing here?
Yeah, I'm here to boff some chick named Mary.
Oh, my God!
Do you know how old Mary is?
22, I think.
Crap.
That girl said she was 16, but I swear to God,
I could tell she was 22.
Get out of my apartment!
This happened while we were broken up.
Oh, no, no, no. I was right about you!
This is a con, by the way. You on "Dateline" is a con!
You know what? I knew you wouldn't be cool about this.
We're finished.
You can't break up with me! I already broke up with you!
Fine, then we agree to disagree!